TO: PEARLY GATES CORP. STAFF
Recently, it has come to My attention that We are falling behind schedule on the repair work to the universe, specifically Earth. I see that We failed to meet the deadline for planning improvements set about three hundred years ago and that We have yet to actually schedule a Planning Committee meeting. As such, please take note: life on Earth will end in precisely nine years and three months (as measured in Earthly time) as this date is just shortly before the warranty is up.
Additionally, you are allowed one guest. Prophets, lower angels, and all minions must be pre-approved and must have appropriate supervision to enter the Conference Center – no exceptions (YES, LUCIFER, THIS INCLUDES YOU).
Please be on time the morning of the apocalypse and remember to sign in at the front. Lunch will be provided; eye protection will not. We look forward to seeing you all.
Please forward all correspondence regarding this upgrade to the attention of Metatron.