Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Promotion's the Thing!

Elohim, only child of Yahweh, has a sneaking suspicion her Father is leaving.

It could have something to do with the three suitcases and the hideous Hawaiian shirt.

"Um, Dad, where are You going?" She asks around a mouthful of Her morning oatmeal.

"I'm retiring," He replies, His thunderous voice firm and resolute as always.

She has a hard time swallowing the oatmeal. "Retiring?" She chokes out and He nods, pats the pockets of His shirt and cargo shorts. "You haven't even finished creating the solar system and You're retiring?"

He continues to pat down His pockets. "It's practically done. All that's missing is a couple of planets suitable for life. You can manage that, can't You?"

She's pretty sure She can't, but She doesn't feel like being lectured on believing in Herself so She changes the subject. "Well if You're retiring, who's going to run the place?"

"Aha!" He finds what He's looking for - a key ring packed full of shiny keys - and grins at His only daughter. "You are. You're going to take over Heaven."

"What?!" He hands Her the key ring and She shakes Her head, scoots Her chair away from Him. "No. Absolutely not. I'm managing the angels right now and I like my job. No planets, no paperwork, just feathers and halos. Get someone else to do it."

He sighs. "There isn't anyone else."

"What about Gabriel?" she asks, desperate. "He came of age a few hours ago."

Yahweh gives an indignant snort. "Gabriel is a lovely archangel, he really is, but he's a half-wit when it comes to business." He tosses the keys to Her and without really wanting to, She catches them. "It's really easy and I left instructions in My office - Your office. If You need anything, just give Me a call."

"But, Daddy..."

He holds up a massive hand. "No buts about it, Ellie. You're old enough to take over and I'm old enough to retire. Now, Lucifer will be around and You know that he's always been a great help to Me."

She cringes at the idea of working closely with Her Father's assistant. Lucifer is the only angel She's ever met who wears three piece suits on a daily basis. Not to mention that he always wears a red tie. Every single day.* There's just something off-putting about him. It doesn't help that he's mildly a pointy kind of way. Not that She'd ever admit that to anyone but Herself.

"Lucifer's creepy," She says and Her voice has a petulant quality to it.

Yahweh frowns. "Don't be rude, Ellie," He chastises and leans over Her to plant a kiss on the top of Her caramel colored curls. "I'll check in when I get settled, see how things are going. In the meantime, start moving into Your new office."

"Yes, dad."

"And be nice!"

She nods and He disappears in a flurry of Hawaiian print and hairy white legs. She stares at the spot He occupied a second earlier and does the one thing that seems natural in a situation such as this: She bursts into tears.

That's how Lucifer finds Her a short time later, crying into Her oatmeal with all the grace of a pool of primordial ooze. He offers Her his hankerchief and a sympathetic smile and She surprises Herself by accepting both.

"It'll be okay," he says and She's tempted to believe him. Even if he is wearing a designer suit and a red tie. "I'll bet You're wishing He'd given those keys to someone else."

"Goodness, yes." She breathes a sigh of relief at Her admission and smiles inspite of Herself. "My Father said you'd be available to help Me out, to get things settled."

She's so focused on his tie - there's a subtle pattern to it that She can't quite make out - that She doesn't see the angry frown that crosses his face.** When She finally does look up, he plasters on a fake smile and nods. "Absolutely."

"Great." She claps Her hands together. "First order of business, help Me move My office to the Penthouse."

"Agreed," Lucifer says, standing and offering Her a hand up. "Second order of business, celebrate Your new promotion with a drink."

A little voice in the back of Her head that sounds suspiciously like Her mother explains that a drink with an employee probably isn't the smartest way to start off as God, especially an employee who's eyeing Her like She's dessert for his five course meal.

She does what She usually does when She hears that voice and ignores it.

She shrugs. "What harm is there in a drink?" She asks with a smile and takes his hand.

Never let it be said that God doesn't occasionally make bad (horrible, terrible, irreparable, etc.) decisions.

* She thinks that when they finally do create a planet that can host intelligent life, it'll eventually be overrun by people in three piece suits wearing red ties. It's the main reason She sticks to angel management - fewer nightmares.

** A long time ago, Lucifer got it into his head that Yahweh was leaving the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven to the Angel. Imagine his surprise when he discovered Elohim was the new boss in charge. He can't decide what's pissed him off more - the fact that he didn't get the job or the fact that he bought a new tie specifically for the occasion. A blue one. Goddamn nepotism.

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