Monday, February 7, 2011

Conversations with God - Everything You Ever Wanted to Know

1. What is Your favorite word?

Hmmmm...that's a tough one. I invented a lot of the really great ones, like 'purple' and 'melon baller'. Yeah...'melon baller' might be my favorite combination of words. I have no idea what it means, but something tells Me it's massively important.

2. What is Your least favorite word?

Lucifer. It's like spikes on My tongue whenever I have to say it, so I try very hard never to say it. I call him Lucy instead. He loves it. Seriously.

3. What turns You on?

I'm God...I'm not sure I'm supposed to get turned on...and the last time it happened, well, you know...that being said, though, I'm partial to messy hair and Cuban cigars.

4. What turns You off?

Lucifer. Ack. See? Spikes on My tongue...gross. Can I get a glass of water and maybe a toothbrush?

5. What is Your favorite curse word?

Son of a Hell whore. It kind of kills two birds with one stone - it's both a curse word and an insult. I use it mostly when I'm in meetings with the demons and, occasionally, when the Mormon office manager starts in on Me about My drinking habits. The demons think it's a term of endearment; the Mormon office manager, not so much.

6. What sound or noise do You love?

The quiet of an empty afternoon, when the angels are running things smoothly, and all the gods and goddesses are getting along so there isn't any chatter coming down the hallways. I can do my nails, listen to some Fleetwood Mac, and relax. It's lovely.

7. What sound or noise do You hate?

The whiny undertone of Lucifer's voice. You're sensing a pattern here, aren't you?

8. What profession other than Your own would you like to attempt?

I'd love to try bounty hunting. I've seen that television program, the one down on Earth, and I think it would be fun to go around busting perps. That's what they're called, right? Perps? I'd be badass...a badass perp buster. I've got the perfect shoes for a job like that.

9. What profession would You not like to do?

Teach. Children have these tiny little hands - probably My fault, to be honest - and I'm maybe a little afraid of tiny hands. Maybe. I don't quite know what I'd do if I was surrounded by them on a daily basis. I don't think I'd be sane for very long...

10. If Heaven exists, what would You like to hear God say when You reach the gates?

Um, hello? I am God. And I never hang out at the front door. Saint Peter is super territorial and he gets kind of pissed if you hang around when he's doing his job, which is all the freaking time. I usually just say hello, though, when I eventually meet the new arrivals. Sometimes I shake hands. Sometimes I hug. All depends on My mood, really. One time there was a chest bump and some high fiving. The guy had died after helping to win the Stanley Cup and I'm a hocky fan - it seemed only right to give him a nice welcome, especially with the puck lodged in his forehead.

This is dedicated to my friend Erinn, as it was her idea and she deserves most of the credit. Check her out at Something Else to Distract Me!


  1. Hahahaha, God the Bounty Hunter! I would love to see that pilot!

    ...does that mean Michael would be her sidekick? Would he have big blonde hair and tight clothes (a la "Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter")

  2. AWESOME--- Very very very funny. I don't deserve the shout out at all. This was awesome all on your own.

  3. Mo - Can you imagine that as a tv pitch? God and an archangel are bounty hunters on earth. There might be some sex. And they dress like characters on The Jersey Shore...I'd pass out from lack of breathing due to laughter!

    Erinn - Well thank you!

    And thank you both for commenting. I'm happy to announce that the crankiness I was suffering from last week has (thankfully) gone the way of the dodo. :) Thanks for the listening!

  4. Love your blog, Meghan. I hope I can come to your celebratory party after you've been "discovered." Have you met Heather Kirk-Davidoff in Columbia. She's wonderful, smart, quirky (Kirk-y), grounded and

    She blogs here: ... and has come to the hocobloggers parties now and again.