Friday, April 22, 2011

"Toasting" to the Easter Season

Because She's God and because She sometimes wakes up a little too late to get downstairs for breakfast, Ellie has a small (but well-stocked) kitchen in Her living quarters. Hardwood cabinets, granite countertops, and appliances that haven't even been invented yet on the mortal plane fill up the galley-like space.

This morning, She's toasting bread She "borrowed" from the kitchens the night before while She waits for Her coffee to brew. She's been too busy to put together a shopping list, which means Her well-stocked kitchen is starting to look like a ransacked grocery shop. The bread was just sitting on the counter in the PGC kitchen and it looked too good to pass up - buttery and brown, with flecks of some unknown, yet sweet smelling, spice throughout it. She figured two very specific things: first, that no one would miss a singular loaf of bread (especially a loaf of unleavened bread) and second, that She's the Boss and it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks anyway.

So She took it with Her.

Her coffee finishes brewing just as the front door opens.

"You decent?" a voice calls out into the apartment.

God rolls Her eyes, pulls out an extra coffee cup. "Yes, Michael. I'm decent."

Michael rounds the corner with Jesus in tow and God nearly drops the coffee cup. She doesn't often see Her half-brother(1), so it's always a bit of a shock when he shows up.

"Look who I found, roaming the corridors this morning," Michael says, grinning like the Minotaur who ate the unsuspecting Greek kid.

Jesus waves and God does the calendar math in Her head(2). When She finally realizes what day it is, She frowns.

"Well, shit," She says. "It's April."

Michael's smile widens, if that's even possible. "Yup."

Jesus sniffs the air. "What smells so good?" he asks.

"I'm making toast," God says, distracted. She looks at Michael. "Why didn't you remind Me it was Good Friday?"

He shrugs. "Because I work in the Guardian Angel Division," he says. "You have a secretary, isn't my fault she's a crazy lady in a suit of holy armor."(3)

"Hey, I'm not the one who buried her in that damn suit of armor," God says. "I suggested a nice peasant dress, something comfortable, but you know how the French are."

"Seriously, what kind of bread is that?" Jesus asks, nearing the toaster. "It smells amazing."

"I found it down in the kitchens, some kind of unleavened loaf they were experimenting with." Michael raises his eyebrows at her. "Oh please. It isn't stealing if it's My damn kitchen."

Jesus stops, looks at Her. "Unleavened?" he asks. She nods.

"You found a loaf of unleavened bread in the kitchens the night before Good Friday?"(4) Michael asks, the corners of his mouth curving up in a decidedly mischievous smirk.

"I guess." Michael starts to laugh. She looks at Jesus, is concerned when She sees Her half-brother's gone pale. "What?"

"Ellie," Michael says, wiping his eyes, "think about it. You're literally toasting the 'body' of Christ."

It takes Her a second or two, but She eventually gets it. Good Friday, the Resurrection(5), Easter Sunday...She has it all written down on a calendar somewhere. She purses Her lips, frowns at Michael, then turns to look at Jesus. He looks like he might be sick on the floor of Her kitchen.

"I can't believe You've got my body in that toaster," he says, staring at the appliance in horror. "That's just so wrong..."

Leave it to Jesus to be the drama queen in the room. Ellie rolls Her eyes. "Good lord, it's just bread. Not your actual body." He protests and She shakes Her head, afro dancing wilding around Her head. "Just think about it, Jesus. You've been dead for a loooong time. I'd imagine that by now your body would taste like bad mushrooms and smell like stinky feet."

He regains a little color in his cheeks thanks to the indignation of being told he'd taste like fungus and unwashed toes. "Have You no sense of decency?!" he cries and Michael has to excuse himself he's laughing so hard.

God sighs, annoyed. She decides to play along, though.

"You're right," She says. "I'm being terribly insensitive and I'm sorry." She reaches out, places a hand on Her half-brother's shoulder and squeezes it in what She hopes is a comforting gesture.

He relaxes slightly. "Thank You, Ellie. That means a lot."

"And if it's any consolation," She says, the toast popping up at that precise moment, "your unleavened body really does smell wonderful." She takes a bite of the toast, winks at him. "Tastes pretty heavenly, too."

"I hate You."

She smiles, pats his cheek. "Aw, sweetie, of course you do. We're related." She opens a cabinet door, looks inside. "Now I know I've got a nice bottle of red wine around here somewhere..."

(1) Jesus spends a fair amount of time on Earth, working on different projects. Ministries, random miracles, circus shows, things like that. He also has a rap album that's due to drop later this month. He turns water into wine and he lays fat beats, yo.

(2) Pearly Gates time moves slower than Earth time. That's why God only gets about two hours of sleep every night - otherwise, She'd be three weeks behind on taking care of the faithful and She'd never hear the end of it from Metatron. He nags Her enough as it is.

(3) Joan of Arc...holy martyr...Catholic saint...administrative assistant to God in the afterlife. Makes you seriously reconsider penance, doesn't it?

(4) A large percentage of Earthly Christians forgo the thin, paper-tasting wafers during the Easter season and instead make a sweet unleavened loaf. The ingredients all have symbolic meaning in some religious context or another, but as far as Ellie's concerned, it's a whole bunch of stuff mixed in a bowl that ends up tasting pretty damn good.

(5) Ellie once referenced The Dawn of the Dead in front of Jesus and he didn't speak to Her for three days. She wasn't suggesting he was a zombie, just that he might enjoy a movie full of them. about touchy.



  2. Ha! And I'm loving that Joan of Arc is God's admin. Too funny.

  3. Hilarious! I totally see this as a smart-ass sitcom!

  4. This was all thanks to a conversation Jilly and I had that spiraled out of control in the hilarity department. :)

  5. RE footnote #5... He MIGHT enjoy "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter".

    Just sayin'.